Walt Whitman

It's been a Walt Whitman day, a poetry day.

Some of the blame lies on the Hannibal fic I just finished, Quiet Asphodel, which is a tour de force in every sense of the word. But I'll admit to a natural weakness for Whitman. His "Song of Myself" stuck with me long past high school, and I spent one dull day at my first job reading it in its entirety on the computer, although his "To You" has been on my mind today.

Maybe it goes back to what I was talking about the other day about intimacy. Or maybe I've just been lonely today. IDK. All I know is there's something beautiful about beeing seen, being known, behing understood. (And that in itself is one of the more beautiful themes to come out of my venture into the Hannibal fandom. At the core, whatever form you belive Hannibal and Will's relationship takes, its depth comes from the desire to be understood and the fact that, while Will is the only one who can understand Hannibal, Hannibal is also the only one who takes the time to understand Will.)

I mean, how can you say no to something like, "I have loved many women and men, but I love none better than you," or, "I will leave all and come and make the hymns of you, None has understood you, but I understand you, None has done justice to you" ?

And at the core of it all, isn't that what intimacy is? Someone who understands you and accepts you for who you are, faults and all?

I pursue you where none else has pursued you, Silence, the desk, the flippant expression, the night, the accustom'd routine, if these conceal you from others or from yourself, they do not conceal you from me, The shaved face, the unsteady eye, the impure complexion, if these balk others they do not balk me, The pert apparel, the deform'd attitude, drunkenness, greed, pre-mature death, all these I part aside.

I don't know why this has been coming to mind so much lately. Maybe it's one of those things that happens after a certain while, the desire to settle down, or something. Part of me is so afraid I'm missing something, that while my life is good now it could be so much better. It's not about kids, or sex, or whatever. I just want to feel like someone cares. Like I've made someone's life better, happier, and that they've done the same to me. I want to spend my days around people I like, rather than the classmates I can barely tolerate. While I enjoy my solitude, there are days where I'd like to not come home to an empty apartment.


I really don't know. Like I said, it might have to do with all the Hannibal fic I've been reading and the repeating theme of being understood that runs through all the fics. Well, all the ones that aren't PWP.