Frak My Life

I honestly, genuinely, hate my life sometimes.

I was supposed to have my first appointment with the psychologist today. The appointment was for 2:40. I got out of class at 1:40, checked in at 2:20, and at 3:10 they came out to tell me that, on their calendar, my appointment was scheduled for 1:00. I told them that was impossible, because I have class at 1:00 and would never have scheduled an appointment for that time - and that, even if I had, I shouldn't have been able to check in for an appointment that had already passed. Not that it helped. I was told to make a new appointment - but it could be another 5 weeks before they have another opening, because the school spends all its money on football and not anything else like having more than one psychologist for a school of ~17,000.

So anyway, I ended up storming out of there because I couldn't deal with it. And ended up driving home in a fit of ugly, angry crying. It's taken me all afternoon to calm down. Because it's not enough that I had to hang around for an hour after class, then wait for half-an-hour more to be seen, only to find out I couldn't be seen - it's like, I know my mom loves me, but sometimes it feels like even the people paid to care about me don't.

All in all, it's been a really bad day. What part of it I didn't have an unpleasant caffine-related headache (from a desperate attempt to stay awake in class despite perfectly adequate sleep), I felt buzzy and anxious and I couldn't concentrate even on reading, and ended up pacing the halls for like an hour and sitting in a corner for another until my next class. Add in the boys club that are my classmates and I just can't take today.

I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to relax. I finished S1 of iZombie (which was amazing) and I might try reading some more Les Mis fic if I can't end up writing, and mom and I have a sci fi movie night planned tomorrow... But I feel so awful. My life was going so very well at the beginning of this year and then somehow it changed and I don't know how or why or anything anymore. As much as I love phoneix metaphors, I don't want my life to be one.

I wonder what the concequenses of just sleeping all tomorrow instead of going to school/therapy are...

Hon, why don't you try to see someone outside of school instead of waiting for the one that doesn't have time for you? I don't think the school psychologist is someone that would look after your interests since she clearly blew you off today because she probably ran over and you were the casualty.

I should, but I've heard less than pleasing things about the one place in town that takes my insurance. It's all very annoying, and I'm halfway to the point of just giving up and hibernating until the spring and hoping it all fixes itself.
Try to keep ;looking for more that take your insurance hon, even if you have to travel it would be worth it to get the right kind of person than the ones that have no real time to help you. Bigger cities and around hospitals. A hospital or a family physician might also have recommendations. My own hospital gives lists of specialties and the doctors that are practicing.

I am so, so sorry your day was terrible. God, you should not have had to deal with that kind of shit; clearly the psychologist's people don't know what they're doing.

IDK what the consequences are of skipping class tomorrow, though maybe it's not such a bad idea, considering? Whatever you decide, I will be here.
I'm fairly certain it would be okay, although the teacher I TA for would probably be concerned, but it's too late to cancel with my therapist and I'm mildly concerned that if I skip that she'll be really worried and... yeah. Since I don't want the police stopping by for a wellness check, I might as well go...

I am just so tired of the bs bb.
*hugs you lots* I'm sorry. I wish I could do something for you - say something encouraging, do something that makes you happy...Just remember ILY bb :)