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OMG

So this was going to be just a small post.


It really was. It was going to rant about how I had to be opening cashier yesterday morning, and how it was slow for ages and when my replacement finally showed up at 11 (ie, 4 hours later), I was able to rush thru my counting to finish on time, but then I got roped into bagging because we were so unexpectedly swamped, and how I came home late and almost got run over by mom on our very long, twisty, one way driveway. And then we went out and biked and hung out by the river and I got the worst sunburn ever on my back.

And then it was supposed to go on about today, and how I've the day off so I went out and chilled for a bit and got my ears peirced for a second time (just the lobes, because I thought that's all I can get away with while still living at home, but I want an Industrial and/or Cartilage peircing at some point too) and then came home and was thrille because dad has yet to say a word aobut it and even mom, who was worried, likes it.

And then I was going to say how I went tubing on the river with my brother, and how it was relaxing and fun and etc.

But the thing is, there's this low lying bridge across the halfway point of the river that you have to get out and go around. But, having never tubed the river before, and because of the rains recently, the water was a lot faster than normal. And being a somewhat poor river-woman, I was unable to control my tube more than to make it go left or right. slightly. so when I couldn't get over right away, I figured I'd just push along the side of the bridge and make my way to the bank that way.

Mistake. I got caught up in the current and taken right to the fastest, deepest part that went under the bridge, and it was almost impossible to manouver with the intertube trying to drag me back to the center, so my brother on the bridge took it and tried to haul me up, but the water was too fast and, frankly, neither of us are that strong, and I fell back and after a couple of attempts lost my footing and got pulled under and there was really a second there when I thought I'd drown because I couldn't make it to the surface and only had one hand on the very bottom of the bridge.

But luckily the underwater currents carried me slightly to the side, and after I came up I was able to manouver myself to the bank, sort of shuffling along the side of the bridge.

My legs are bruised and I've a "rash" like thing on my arm, but other than that I'm fine. Freaked out, but fine. We told my parents that I lost my glasses (which I did while I was under) when the current flipped my tube over so they wouldn't freak out, and they were only the pair I got given in Basic, so I had my old ones lying around, so all was good after I found where I put them.

But god. I really am freaked out still. But there was a moment while I was under where I suddenly felt something I never had before - the desire to live.
Now, I'm not saying I've ever really been suicidal, but I've always sort of been... indifferent... to my life. This is the first time I've really felt a positive pull to actively stay alive. Which is kinda something, even if I never want to go thru that sort of thing ever again.

But still. Freaked out. Going to try to burn off nerves by cleaning or something.

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Had something similar happen to me once, and it was such a *shock* to the system. When I realized I could have died, that I *should* have died, it was a lesser shock, but nonetheless, I found myself wondering why. Why did I live and not die. When you roll your car on the interstate going 70 mph and you don't even get a scratch? It makes you think you might be here for a reason.

Sometimes the things you share with us that your father says about you and to you--"jokes" or not--are so infuriating that I am not capable of commenting on your posts. I've lived with that sort of emotional abuse my entire life, though it was never aimed at my gender. You need to hang in, keep your head down, do what needs to be done to make your way and get out. The rest of the world is not like your parents' house.

I'm glad you're safe. You're here for a reason.

Oh! ::smooshes to bossom::

thank you bb. I'm trying, I really am, but it's so disheartening sometimes. Today was one of those days that make me feel that for everything I do for me, something bad must happen. Maybe it's all in my head... but it was definately a shock to the system.
Well, I certainly know what it is like to do things I *know* better than to do simply because it helps me get through the day, but there are some hard lessons that I've learned from living with emotionally abusive people and I'm going to share them with you this one time. Maybe it doesn't apply to your situation, but if it does, I hope it helps some.

1) If you choose to live in the gilded cage, then you live by the cage's rules. Do what it takes to remain sane, but do it under the radar and don't do anything so blatantly stupid that you call attention to yourself.

2) Remember that the cage door is open at all times. You've chosen to live in the cage because the cage is less scary than the outside world. The cage has a bed,and a roof, and comes with food. You could choose NOT to have those things and be free of the cage, but for now, you've chosen to live in it. If you don't want to live in it forever, then save your pennies and work hard toward building a cage-free life. Sometimes the smart decision is to live within the cage until you get the things you need to be independent of it. But if you make that choice then you have to shut up and put up with the abuse--at least to your abuser's face.

3) You are never, ever going to change your father's attitude toward you or toward women in general. Stop trying. It is a losing battle and one you don't need to win. You do not need his approval to get through school and get a degree--you need his financial support. One day many years from now, much to your shock, your father may tell you that he never understood why you didn't do x-y-z--that he always thought you were the prettiest, smartest, strongest etc of his children. And you know what? You won't believe him. No, on the day when unsolicited, he *finally* gives you the approval you've always wanted your entire life, you won't believe him.

I wrote a poem once about my family.

Today was not about the universe punishing you for getting another piercing because you knew your father would disapprove of it and you feel compelled to thumb your nose at him. This was one of those freak things that could have just as easily ended with you hitting your head and drowning. But it didn't. You're alive. You're supposed to be here. Make the most of it.

Edited because the ending sounded terse and it wasn't meant to be. I had the page open for a long time as I wrote this, and I was afraid I would lose the post if I didn't send it soon! ;-)

Edited at 2013-07-30 12:08 am (UTC)
It didn't sound too terse.

I know what you mean though. I've spend my entire life doing exactly what everybody's ever wanted from me. I can't even complain because, for the most part, it's what I wanted, but, God, I don't think my father understands just how much of my life I gave up to take care of my brother and sister while he was deployed and mom was working. He just brushes off the mental and physical and emotional stress of having to deal with my sister, by myself, like it's nothing because he considers it to be nothing. He doesn't appreciate that I gave up most of my teenage (and adult) years (so far) to taking care of my siblings, and doing chores, and making dinner, and buying groceries, and running errands, and making sure people took their medications and did their homework and got to school on time.

It's not my fault the Recession hit and my first job was downsized. It's not my fault that the job market where we used to live was so bad that it took me ages to find even a min wage job, because NOBODY was hiring. It's not my fault the navy didn't want me (if it's anybody, it's his) and that I couldn't convince them to let me stay because of all that BS in my past. But he treats me like it is and even though I know it's not true, it still hurts when he says it is.

I have done everything to try to make him happy, but since that's failed I'm trying to live my life the way I want to, but that just makes things worse. I want more tattoos and peircing. I want to cover my body in tailsmens to keep me from ever being hurt again. I want to dye my hair and drink from time to time and I want to be able to sit in my room and watch my shows or read or write without beind judged as lazy or stupid or wasting my time. I want to be able to plan for the future without having to take his whims into account. I want to be able to use the microwave without being judged for what I'm eating. I want to wear what I want without being told I look fat. I want a lock on my door so I can actually have some place to hide when the shouting starts other then the bathroom I share with my brother. I want so much it hurts to think about because I know I can never have it while living under his roof, and that I can't escape for at least another year or two because unfortunately I have no one to turn to but my parents for help and I won't be anything close to financially secure enough to move out for a while.

::swallows:: sorry to unload this all on you like this. It just... hurts sometimes.
Sweat pea, never apologize for unloading when you need to. Honestly, I read this nodding along because, yeah, BTDT in all forms (save the gender hate--my mom could hardly do that to me--but everything else you've mentioned is oh so familiar). And I know it's even harder for you than it was for me because the economy has hit everyone really hard and no one is having any success finding work. I'm lucky that I already had my skill set before it happened. Things are tight for me, but I have my independence.

But this too will pass. And one day you will be able to be your own person without having to answer to anyone else. In the meantime, you're going to have to bear it the best you can.

My solution was to blend in with the walls. To be invisible. That may not be your path, but think about it more like camouflage until you can reach a safe place again.

Yeah. I get that. I'm just so tired of blending. I want people to know I'm here. Or at least acknolwedge that I exist. I honestly think I've gotten more praise from my boss for doing my job well than I've gotten from my father in my entire life. And I've barely had this job 3 months. At least dealing with Dad has given me lots of practice dealing with irate customers.
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