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The Mythical Creature's Guide to Modern Warfare (4/26)


"Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray..."
Dylan Thomas "Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night"


Chapter Four, Delta

Jake's birthday came without any of the insanity I'd come to expect from the leeches – which was to say, we were not woken by all nine of them descending upon our rock/den with streamers and confetti. Though, if they had, and brought food, I'd have been slightly less angry. Probably still maimed them, but have eaten the food first.

Wake up, sleepyhead.

I lifted my head from my paws and looked up blearily. I hate morning.

Jacob was already awake, sitting sphinx-like across from me. He'd lowered his head enough so we ere on eye-level, though barely, and was giving me a ridiculously wolfy grin. What? No jokes about how I'm legal now, can vote and buy cigarettes, and be drafted?

I thought about this for a moment, No. Not really. Wake me when you get a fake id and can go clubbing.

You want to go clubbing? he asked, surprised.

No, I admitted, but it was the first thing involving alcohol I could think of – bar hopping, I yawned. I should have said we could go bar hopping.

Tsk, tsk, Leah. He was even shaking his annoying doggy head. I just wanted to sleep right now, damn him and his birthday. Let him turn eighteen tomorrow. You shouldn't be drinking if we're trying to get pregnant.

My head, which had slunk back down, snapped back up as I jumped to my feet and lunged at him. For the last time, I insisted, pinning him down on his back and growling at his neck, I told you that there is no way in Mickey Mouse's candy cane hell I can, let alone wantto have kids, so the next time you joke about it, O High and Mighty Alpha, I will shave my name into your fur and dye the rest of it pink!

Sensing I was done – well, for the moment, at least – he flipped me over easily and licked me once on the muzzle before backing away. I'm sorry to tell you this, Goofy, he told me with that smug wolfy smile that, when awake, I classified as cute but now, since I wasn't, made me want to smack him, but I think you've got part of that wrong.

I snarled at him. Are you saying I secretly, deep down in my unconscious, I want to have children?

He rolled his doggy eyes at me and, with a weary step backwards, told me, Sniff.

Sniff. He told me to freaking sniff. Oh, yes, because I can obviously smell my unconscious desires better then I can see them. Forget glue, he and the boys were doing full on pot in Wood Shop. But, probably because it was somewhat instinctual, I did. I could smell pine trees – either from me or Jake or the trees themselves – and the holly berries and earthy undertone and- Wow. I never noticed how metallic crushed holly berries smelled. We were going to have to clear them out of the rock/den area so we stopped stepping on them... and salty too. How weird, berries smelling kinda like-

OH MY MOTHER-FUCKING GOD! I shouted. It was not, as you might imagine, a scream of joy, but one of intense anger and surprise. What the vampire-humping fuck, I asked, turning tighter and tighter circles trying to see my tail end, did you do to me, you sheep-stealing ass-warmer?

Because, you see, squashed holly berries really don't smell metallic and salty. In fact, the only thing I can think of that smells quite that way is the Dead Doc Walking and his coven's favourite food source. With me now? No. Well then, what about we saying that there was a thin layer of drying blood on the fur of my backside that had absolutely nothing to do with me scratching myself in my sleep. Ah, now you see.

Jake, however, was laughing at my reaction. I stopped trying to chase my tail and snapped my teeth at him. This is all your fault, you lard-poking piece of burger-flab.

Mine? He said with some surprise.

How the holy horse-fucking, nut-nibbling world did you manage to give me my fucking period?

Well, he said, wisely backing up some more, so he was almost out of the rock/den area entirely, you see, when a girl reaches a certain age, she goes into this thing called 'puber-'

And then I flipped so badly my dear, soon-to-be-deceased Alpha had no idea what hit him next. Running up to him, I am a freaking werewolf! I shouted at him. Wolves don't have periods!

Humans-

Grrrrr! I shouted at him, beginning to panic and 'chase my tail' again. This can't be happening. This is just some terrible nightmare. Next thing I know aliens will be landing and offering us exotic flavours of jello. I paused my circling, looking up for said aliens, but they didn't arrive. Oh shit oh shit oh shit shit shit, I settled for, circling again. Maybe, as I circled, I'd find what happened to all my marbles, 'cause I certainly didn't have them at the moment.

Slowly drawing near, Jake nudged me so I'd stop my relentless spinning. I stumbled, dizzy, for a moment, then leaned my head on his comfortably warm and furry back. We'll figure it out, Leah-

No we won't, I sniffled, feeling weepy and stupid and Gods-be-damned freaked out at the moment. Because I'm a genetic freak of werewolf nature and nothing about me seems to make any sense and I'm probably just dying of an internal haemorrhage and-

You're not dying of a haemorrhage, Leah- Jake began

How do you know that?

Well, he admitted.

See! See! This is absolute total madness! My genes are playing tricks with us... Oh, God damn it all. I sighed, Go get Tall, Blonde, and Snide, will you?

Rosalie? Why? I could almost feel him narrow his eyes. You're not going to kill her to make yourself feel better, are you? 'Cause we might have to run to Canada if you do.

I rolled my eyes and slipped my head off his back, using it to nudge him towards the entrance of the rock/den/whatever you want to call it. Alice doesn't remember any of her human life, talking to Esme would be like talking to my mom, shudder, and I'd sooner die of a haemorrhage then ask anything of Bella. Now go. Get Rose. Once he was off running, I thought of something else, And don't be late for school again! That's probably were Seth, Quil, and Embry were – thank God – at the Rabbit waiting for Jake. It's amazing they hadn't gotten detention yet for being late so often. Or maybe they had, and just skipped it. Hmm... I'd have to talk to them about that, after I figured out what the hell was going on with me.

What? And leave you here to deal, alone?

You WILL go to school, Jake, or-

Pink fur. Yes, I know dear.

Once I was sure Jake had sent Rose this way, I phased and proceeded to freak out like a human would. Which is to say, I threw on the longest dress I had (and all I owned were dresses, as one piece of fabric, however short, was still easier to carry then two, and I imagine going around shirtless like the guys did would probably cause me some unwanted attention) and started looking for something I could use as a makeshift "feminine hygiene project." I didn't hold much hope for this, as, as a werewolf, I had no underwear to put any pad-like object in and even less desire then that to use leaves as a makeshift tampon.

I was throwing less-then-carefully-put-away clothes out of the rucksack they were stored in when Rose arrived. "What seems to be the problem, mutt?"

"Aunt Flo," I said.

"What do I care if one of your mongrel family members is coming to town? I'd like to know why, when your boy-toy ran into the house, Edward burst into laughter. I was winning at Pictionary too."

I didn't know what to be more upset about for a moment, laughing Ed-weird or the leeches continual playing of dinner-party games. I quickly made up my mind and growled, "I am going to kill that hamster-beating emo Muppet."

"And you wanted to tell me this... why?"

The leech must not be using her nose. Not that I much minded at the moment, but still. "There is a war," I said slowly, and with as little malice as I could, "going on in Virginia."

"No," she said just as slowly, as if I were an idiot, "there's not."

"A red thread caught in the sewing machine?" I tried to no avail. "The playground's out of order? Moses is parting the Red Sea? Communists are in the summer house? Dracula's brown-bagging his lunch?" At some point towards the end of this list it seemed to dawn on her what I was talking about. When she gave a weary sniff, I couldn't resist one more, "Blow job week-"

"Alright, alright," Rose said, seeming slightly sickened (though more by the scent of my werewolf blood, I believe, then anything I was saying; I could only tell this, though, by the way she visibly stopped breathing. It was weird), "but I thought you-"

"Not since high school," I told her. Wow, how long ago was that? God, I'd forgotten how much I hated getting my period. Now that I was human, I could feel some definite cramps coming on. "Can't say I've missed them."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Let's just get you to Carlisle and see if he can't figure out what's going on."

"Yea, 'cause – wait. Stop, rewind, and freeze. What's this about Carlisle? I was just kinda hoping you could run out and pick me up some tampons or something."

Tugging my arm, "I feel so loved."

"Hey! It was either you or have Jake try to do it, and that'd be worse then a werewolf in a Chuck E. Cheese." I could so totally see the boys in one now. I wished I couldn't. The mayhem... There'd be nothing left standing.

"As interesting as that might be, even I know," she said very quickly, presumably so she'd not have to smell me, and still pulling me along after her, "that this is not normal."

"You're one to talk, Miss I-killed-Bambi's-Mom."

"I'm going to ignore that."

"Don't. Please."

"I'll have you know I found Bambi a very sad movie."

"Hell, is that the only think you immortal creatures do? Watch movies and play every game Milton-Bradley ever made?"

"We're in online college courses, since Bella's too new to travel."

"In what? Exercise and Sports Science?"

"No. Alice's doing Anthropology this time 'round, Jasper this 'Peace, War, and Defence' thing, I've decided on Computer Science, and Emmett's doing the pre-reqs for Seminary."

"What?"

"Well, I did all the literature and language classes I think I'll ever do in the '50s and '60s, and-"

"No. Seminary. Emmett. What?"

"Ah, yes. Well, he pinned all the majors he hasn't taken on a dart board, and we used the pudding gun prototype to shoot the dart..."

"Seminary?" I repeated again, blankly. My feet had stopped moving, but Rose hadn't noticed; she was still dragging me along.

"Yeah. He's going to try for Anglican priesthood, since we figured Carlisle could help him if he had any problems – Carlisle's farther was an Anglican pastor-"

"Priest? Emmett?"

"Will you stop repeating everything that I say?"

"Only when it starts making sense."

"Emmett just chooses a random major when we go through college. It's just what he does. He's gone through veterinary school, and majored in art, political science, Hebrew-"

"Hebrew!"

"Yeah, he was going to go to Rabbinical school, then Jasper had an accident-"

"I don't even want to know."

"-Electrical Engin-"

"I said I really don't want to know."

"Probably a good idea," she said, pulling me, still unwillingly, into the manor, where I could clearly hear the soon-to-be-re-dead Edward laughing. "Whatever you do, though, I suggest not mentioning baseball while you're here."

"Why can't I mention baseball?"

Chapter Five.