Another angry RL rant....

I just spent ten minutes staring at my computer, trying to decide which "gall" means "impudence" and which "Gaul" means "French". Which really just is the icing on the cake.

The day started with Dad and I getting into a huge argument at breakfast, which was ostensibly about Toast but really about the fact that my father thinks I'm a complete and utter failure, hates my very existence, and would rather see me living in my car than in his house. I swear, he didn't treat me like I was five years old like he does now when I was five years old - but presumably I wasn't a screw up yet at five.

So then I drive all the way to Winston-Salem (ie, two hours away) to look at trailers and I find one that I think will work and drive back to Boone to speak to my bank about financing, but of course they'll only do 80% of it, and I just don't have the other 20% saved up yet.... And my loan money from the government doesn't come in until August. By which point I will certainly have been driven mad by my father and his inistence I move out of the bedroom and into the garage so my brother, who is doing everything he's "supposed" to be doing, can have a real bed until he goes back to school. And, frankly, I could deal with that, but it's the way he says it - like I'm a complete and utter disappointment - that gets me.

And maybe I am. But I didn't ask to be kicked out of the navy. I didn't ask to be laid off from AT&T, or any of the rest of it. I've tried and all he sees is me not trying hard enough, the bastard.

Honestly, if I could afford it, I wouldn't have come home at all today. And I would have been right to, as Dad's done nothing but ignore me since I got back. Even while we're in the same room.

And there's no way I can save up the money I need while living at home, because my father is a price gouger and my rent is like half of my paycheck, which wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to, IDK, pay for things like gas and groceries and school down payments in addition to saving money to move out. And mom tries, she really does, but when dad gets and idea....

I'm tired of his pronouncements from on high. I get that he was an E9, but I'm not some solider he can boss around. I'm his child. He's supposed to, IDK, not be openly hostile to me. Plus, on an unrelated note, last Thursday he said I could get a dog, and then on Sunday, when I went to go look at them on my day off, he told me I couldn't, which isn't so much life shattering as so annoyingly him.

So I passive-aggressively gassed up my car on his credit card and put my bookstore purchases on it as well. Which is about all I can do, because I'm dependent on him until I can save up enough money and, I swear, it's things like this that must have make the navy think I was crazy, because I feel that way now.

But Supernatural S9 is coming. Eventually. It's something to look forward to. The only thing, really.
I'm sorry your Dad's a complete wanker, sweetheart! ::hugs:: My parents used to do some of these things, not to this degree, but similar. I essentially ran away from home for a few months with some people they didn't like, and they were so grateful to get me back that we've been mostly fine ever since. I guess it was the wake-up call they needed. Maybe you can figure out something that either wakes your dad up or goads your mom enough to stand up to him.

I don't know how parents can play such favourites with their children like that.
If only. But the only option I really have to get out of the house at the moment is to basically live in my car or a shelter, I think that's bound to only going to make things that much worse. I could refuse to pay rent - or only pay a reduced amount - but I hate to see how that arguement turns out....
Hmmm, it's almost worth trying the shelter idea for a weekend maybe, just to make a point.

Also, if the garage is occupied by vehicles that are used, it's toxic to live there, so try pointing out that attempted murder never looks good in a parent.
there is a single car garage attached to the 2 car garage. the 1 car has exercise equpitment in it, and that is where I'll be sleeping.

...almost. maybe. but it seems stupid to go there if I'm not actually being abused or anything. other people need it more.
Ugh. That's still pretty bad. Yeah, you're right about that, but it would send the message. Sigh. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, and if you want I can horrify your dad with some of the things that can happen when you drive your kids away.
i doubt it. he still thinks my tattoos are the worst things ever. Nevermind I have to be wearing short shorts too see most of them...

..actually, he thinks everything I do already is the worst thing ever, so.... ::shrug::
Ah, so essentially you're just waiting for the time when you can say "Fuck you" to him and get the hell away. Also, when you do, tell him he can rely on his 'perfect' son for care when he gets old and feeble. (Can you tell I'm vindictive?)
pretty much. it just feels like I've been waiting for ever. and ever.

it wasn't always this way. but then he retired and my life started to go to hell (in ways that I had absolutely not control over) and things just... spiraled. We never got along the best, but the situation has just made everything worse.
Yes, because it's easy to blame you for things, and now he has too much time on his hands to focus on how everything you do is wrong, wrong, a thousand times wrong, what is wrong with this child! Hopefully you'll get a break soon.
::crosses fingers::

I'd hoped it would ease up after I got a job/into school, but it's only, if anything, become worse.

we are not a functional family
Is there something wrong with your father's head? You're in school and you have a job at the same time. How is this bad? Plus, if he'd quit being an ass and taking all your money, you could get out of his hair faster! I think I'd keep the money and make him take it from you. If you have a joint bank account, call right now to get it transferred to you only, and just make him be the bad guy.

I really want to scream at your dad and slap him right now.
he had a really shitty childhood. that's all my and I've got trying to figure it out.

the checking account is in my name, but he's an annoying sob about his money, and I don't want to know what he'll do if he doesn't get his rent check....

Yeah, well, real adults don't take out their shitty childhoods on other people. That excuse only works for about ten years after you reach adulthood. Then, like the rest of us, you just deal with it and don't take it out on others. ::has no sympathy::

Would your mom stop him from doing something crazy, like throwing you out? If so, enlist her help/do it anyway. I dunno, never having met the guy, I can only think of what I'd do, so maybe you'll just have to hunker down. That sucks. ::hugs you::
choir, preaching to.

mom does her best, but there's only so much she can do. and I hate to be the source of arguements between them. I think she could keep me from being kicked out if it came to that, but, ultimately, there's not much difference she can make.
Yeah, I know how you feel there. I hate confrontation of any sort. Except with my parents, who always drive me nuts and so I have no choice. Sigh. My parents are, at heart, reasonable people, fortunately.

Can you try to get your mom at least to see that rent is prohibitively high and you could be out of their hair sooner if you weren't forking it all over? She seems reasonable.
she's already talked him down from $500 a month to $300. I don't think she can get it much lower, even after I'm exiled to the garage
Gah, your dad is impossible! I wish I could go up there and yell at him; would be therapeutic. Have you ever flat-out asked him 'why do you hate me?'
I do too, but I can almost always find it in me to ask things like that that are guaranteed to get a reaction out of my parents. Maybe if he heard it plain like that and had to defend himself, especially if you stayed calm while he works himself into a nutty, it would put a dent in his head. I find that adults rarely are able to answer that question satisfactorily, since they first try to say they don't hate you. Particularly when you can cite exact phrases they use/things they do that show that, yeah, they do hate you, so now they've got to admit it or change.
...yeah, that doesn't work with him. i mostly just stay in my room and try not to come out if I can help it
Well, that just fucking sucks. Now I'm mad at your dad with no way to take it out on him! Well, I hope he gets what he deserves for being such an asshole.
Just stay strong *hugs* Because that's what you are, I don't think I would have the strength keep living like that without being reduced to a whimpering lunatic (yes, hate confrontation too, and angry people scare me, and even though my dad wasn't the warmest, yours really is something different...)

I know it must be hell, being left feeling like shit day after day. But just ignore him and his stupid opinions. Ignore him whole if you can, since he's doing that to you. Stop talking to him, don't look at him. (if he's not the violent type, and I really hope he isn't, what can he do but yell at you, and then you can just ignore him again.)

You are the only one to decide whether you have failed in your life. You know you have tried your hardest, and life just doesn't always go the way you hoped or planned. Yet you still keep trying, keep moving forward, and that to me is strength and succeeding.

I hope things will improve soon. Try to enjoy the things you love about this life and this world. There are always good things to look forward to. (Like squee weekend! Are you maybe coming?) Hugs and all my support.

no, dad's not violent, so that's one thing I don't have to worry about. but ignoring him only leads to more yelling, so I mostly try to stay out of his way and try not to make it look like I'm ignoring him.

it's hard work.

I'm going to try to come to squee weekend. It depends on if I can get time off work. I should be able to, but no promises yet.

thanks bb.