The Mythical Creature's Guide to Living in the Modern World (20/23)


"I don't want to waste another moment of my life without you in it."

Sam in Garden State

Chapter Twenty, Phi

The peaceful afternoon air was wrenched with a, "Oh my holy fucking mother of God."

"I think Seth's back," Jacob commented, interrupting our make-out session. Which kind of annoyed me, because I'd rather been enjoying it, even if it was on the front steps of the enemies' Fortress of Doom.

Hopping up onto the porch rail, "You think? Ten bucks he tries to hit you." I'd have bet more if I had it. It was an almost certainty that, some point, some way, Seth would have to hit Jake over this. He was an overprotective little brother, yes, but it could have been worse. He could've been Paul, for instance.

"Seth? Hit? I didn't know he could."

"He can't; that's why I said try."

"It's such a waste having a werewolf who can't fight and all."

"He likes doing the midnight patrols though."

"Yeah, that's pretty good of him. Still, he loves me-"

"Finding out that you only used him to get to me is going to kill him."

Jake rolled his eyes at me. "More like he's going to shed man-tears as he tells us how happy he is for us and ask to be your maid-of-honour."

"The only thing scarier then the idea of Seth in a bridesmaid dress is the idea of his 'man-tears'-" no, I couldn't even say that ridiculous phrase without collapsing in laughter, which I did, falling from the railing onto the hard porch (though I dented it more then it dented me) as I convulsed in the hardest laughs I'd had in ages. "Oh my God, 'man-tears,' that's just- holy fucking God, that's- oh my..." So that, by the time my brother and our apparent new packmates got to the porch, they were able to join Jake as he looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

"Did you drug Leah or something?" Embry asked, more curious then worried.

"Of course he did!" Seth shouted at him, or, at least, spoke harshly; I'd never heard Seth shout in my life. "Why else would she be kissing him!"

Quil tried to calm him down, or, at least, bring sense back to him. As he'd never had it, I was sure it was a futile effort, but at least he tried. "I thought they were dating?"

"No they're not!"

"Er," said Jake, turning away from me for a second to look at my brother, "actually we are," before turning back and contemplating me curiously. I imagine I did look crazy... but I mean, man-tears. It was just so... okay, I was probably crazy. But still.

"No," Seth insisted, "you're not!"

From the porch floor, "Save your 'man-tears,' Seth; we are, you'll get over it, and until then take a pill or something."

"Carlisle," said the midget, opening one of the living room windows and leaning out it to look at us, "has a bottle of Xanex if you need it. If not, will you kindly get off our porch so I can try and see the forecast for the SSE?"

I pulled myself to my feet and, as the boys looked at me curiously. Me? Doing what a leech asked? Something strange was going on here. Once we were all on the lawn, I turned back towards her and said, "This doesn't mean you won't find me pounding on the door of your coffin with an axe singing show tunes for your little 'bet' tonight!"

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker," she sung as she closed the window, growing louder and louder as she did – but still with an, of course, perfect voice - "Make me a match. Find me a find. Catch me a catch..."

"Shut up," I yelled right back. God, did everyone in the whole God-damn world have an opinion about me and Jake? Well, I didn't want to hear it. They could all just go and fuck themselves, because I've decided and that's it. Final. The end. Go away now.

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker, I'll bring the veil; you bring the groom, slender and pale. Bring me a ring for I'm long to be the envy of all I see..."

"Oh, go back to your fucking grave, you clairvoyant toilet-wipe," then turned to the boys. "Let's get out of here if we have to discuss this. I don't think I can stand to be around these smelly bat-bangers for much longer."

In a whine, "Yes, we do have to discuss this. What if he imprints, Lee? I can't-"

I pinched the bridge of my nose. "Okay, yes, you can beat him up if he hurts me. Can we go now? The walls around her have too many fucking ears."

Seth, however, seemed to have his panties all in a twist because he continued going on about it: "You're the one who was making out with the Alpha-"

That's not all we've done, my mind added, getting its two cents in. I rolled my eyes at it and headed for the path to the rock. "Yes, yes, Seth. You two can fight over my 'honour' some other time. I'm heading to the rock. If anyone wants to join me, go right ahead. If not, I think you're pissing off Tiny Tot. She'll probably force you to play dress-up with her if you keep this up, and I've seen some of the clothes she has – and I don't want to see them on you." I really hoped Jake would come back with me, and the others would just piss off. Because we'd been, er, interrupted and I'd rather have a chance to, er, finish. And not being able to because of these three was really annoying me.

"Ah, Lee," Quil said, "don't be jealous just because they'd look better on him."

Stamping my (bare) foot down and crossing in one step the few I'd taken away from the group, who were now lounging against the Rabbit. "Okay, we're creating a pecking order, right here, right now." I pointed to Jake, then my self. "Alpha, Beta," I pointed a finger each at Quil and Embry, "Gammas." Then, without even looking at Seth, "Omega. That is how it goes. Figure out where you stand. Know that I am above you, and if you piss me off I'll make like a living hell for you. Has everyone got that?"

They all, of course, turned to Jake, which just about threw me off my rocker. Hello guys, Beta here. I can do these things, and it wasn't like I was doing anything drastic. Jake, in turn, looked at me and, with that smile of his said, "Hell, don't look at me. The Princess here makes the rules."

I glared at him. "Unless you want me to take to you Dark Vet Emmett, don't call me 'princess' again."

"Sure, sure, your highness. But I was planning on going and yelling at Sam some more today, and I figure he'll be at Emily's now. Anyone want to come?"

"What," quipped Embry, kicking off his shoes, "and mess up your freaky date? Never. I'm going to patrol." Seth followed after him, already smiling, but with a grumpy expression in his eyes.

Quil and Jake both climbed in the Rabbit, and, as I walked towards the path to the rock, my beloved Alpha leaned out the window and said, "Aren't you coming?"

"As much as I'd love to see you beat up Sam again," and I really rather would, "no. I feel like breaking something, and I think I know just the love-bat's cabin..."

"It'll be fun..."

"I'm not that cheap a date, Black."

"I'm sure we can round up a meal or two too..."

Okay, so I climbed into the car after that. But who can blame me? After last night's... exertions and this afternoon's anxiety and all of this more packmates business, I was hungry. Plus, I know it was stupid, but I kinda didn't want Jake out of my sight now that we'd become "official," like now all sorts of imprint-peril lingered about every corner. Plus, I couldn't deny there was a chance we could come across an unused bedroom along the way... God, I was worse then a teenage boy! Or, at least, sounded so in my head. But, God, the way Jake kissed me, like I was his and he was mine and no one, not any stupid imprint, would get between us, made me...

I am not a dog in heat. I will not act like one. I am not a-

"So," asked Quil from the front seat, interrupting my mantra. I glared at the back of his headrest, and tried to continue, "what is The Spawn like, other then having the worst name in the world?"

I am a human being. Who just so happens to shift into a wolf. But I'm primarily a human being. Not a dog. I will not act like a dog in heat. I will not-

"Well, other then growing ridiculously fast, she's mostly okay. Drinks blood, but eats human food too. Ridiculously smart – Edward was teaching her Portuguese over the weekend – and can, almost, beat Leah at monopoly."

Pardon me while my mind just sinks into how sexy Jake's voice is, even while he's talking about The Loch Forks Monster. Thinking about sex in the back seat of your boyfriend's car is a bad idea, Leah. A very bad idea.

"You're playing Monopoly with the leeches now, Lee? What's the world coming to?"

"Not much," I managed, "It was either Monopoly or learn to play three-dimensional chess. And I was so kicking her ass until you showed up." Now shut up so I can think back over last night and bask in every single detail now that there's a chance of it happening again.

But would Quil shut up? No. He continued his the-world-is-coming-to-an-end speech by asking, oddly, how we'd gotten together. I was struck by a maddening sense of deja vu and decided to try to try to cut the tracks before the train got so far he was asking us to give him pseudo-nephews while he was still young enough to enjoy them, because, if he did, I'd have murdered him right there, no axe needed. "It was two months ago, in July. I was in my room and suddenly I hear this weird noise outside my window. When I look, it's a mariachi band with who else but Jake in front of them, carrying this huge bouquet of red roses, proclaiming his undying love for me..." Actually, if he ever tried that, I'd probably smash one of the guitars over his head.

Quil, as was the intended effect, snorted. "Jake was in Canada in July."

"He came back for me," I shrugged, sliding farther down in my seat, so I was practically hidden in the back seat, "and, since he was just pissing me off at the time, I didn't tell anyone."

"She jumped me," Jake corrected as we pulled onto the Rez.

And I'm about to jump you again. Ditch the paedophile so I can.

"Yeah, that sounds like Leah."

Hello, still in the car, people. I debate if this would be a good time to mention what the Cullen's bet was about, decide its not, and settle for a, "I think you and Billy are in cahoots."

"Fuck, I hope not," Jake said, turning right a little too sharply to be comfortable. "'Cause man, if you are, I'm going to have to throw you out of the car. While its still moving."

Ooh. I saw opportunity. "Do it anyway; I want the front seat." And then we can finally finish what we started.

Looking at me in the rear-view mirror, "You may be the Queen of the Pack, Lee, but in the Rabbit, I'm in charge. And he called shotgun, so..."

"Plus," Quil added, causing me to kick his seat once he had, "it's bro's over ho's-"

"I am a woman, not a fucking farm tool, you bag-sniffing wart-breeder. Hey, drop me off here."

Jake stopped the car at the corner, but turned around to look at me like I was crazy. "Are you telling me you want to go home?" Because that's where we were stopped in front of. My house.

"No. I just want to take a shower. You go ahead and punch out Sam for me, then swing back by before you scavenge dinner." And so Jake did just that. Because, I, apparently, was Queen of the Pack. Not bad considering. I guess bitchiness gets you places in life after all.

Chapter Twenty-One.