The Mythical Creature's Guide to Living in the Modern World (4/23)


"My heresies appal you, my theories outrage you, I never answer letters, and you don't like my tie."

The Seventh Doctor in Doctor Who: "Ghost Light"

Chapter Four, Epsilon

The saddest thing of all was, I was starting to get real attached to my rock. Oh, don't get me wrong, it was a nice rock, and Seth (who'd taken the evening patrols) always got up early to run home and check on mom, and had brought a pair of sleeping bags. Jake even had brought a tarp, rope, and a kerosene lamp, so we had our own little freaking den.

I didn't let either of them know how pleased I was with it. I mean, everyone ended up crashing there in cycles – even Jake, when he wasn't watching over Miss Worst-Pregnancy-Complication-Ever – so they were doing it for themselves just as much as for me, but they went other places, like home and the leeches, whom I had a sneaking suspicion had heard my thoughts and given Jake the damned tarp. Me, I stayed at my rock most the time, dozing.

I woke up sometime around midnight of the sixth day to Jake trotting under the tarp and shaking the rain off him... and onto me.

Mother-fucking toe-wipe, you're going to get the sleeping bags wet. Maybe it was from all the time I was spending otherwise as a wolf, or maybe that it was more comfortable sleeping next to a rock in the great, rainy Olympian peninsula in wolf worm, but I was sleeping phased too.

God, somebody's nesting. When are the puppies do?

That woke me up. I growled and snapped my teeth at him – can I say way too much time as a wolf? - Sometime after I gut you and sew your skin into chew toys.

What? He thought back, plopping down beside me and resting his head one of my sprawled paws. And leave the cubs without a father? Great, now he was doing something that might be called attempting to wiggle non-existent eyebrows.

I'd kill myself before sleeping with you, jackass.

Oh, you say that now... I kicked out with the paw he was laying on. Now that was uncalled for. A pretend sniffle crossed our mental line. Do you beat all the guys, or just me?

Only the ones that are total idiots, Black. I closed my eyes to try to force myself back to sleep. But a thought entered my head before I could get very far in said attempt and I let it fly. Hey, does that make me the Alpha female?

Err... what?

Patiently, Well, I am the only mutant freak here with two "X" chromosomes and you're slobbering all over me, so does that make me like Alpha female? I was curious because it would be great to tease Seth with.

If you want, he sighed, rolling onto his side and wiggling a little to get comfortable. But only if-

I'm not kissing your ass or any other part of it.

Flipping over and nudging me with his nose, Who said anything about kissing?

I snorted at that and shoved him back, harder. God, drive up to Seattle and get a pro already. Sometimes I thought half the pack's problems came from too many horny boys and too few girls willing to come within six feet of them, even if the whole werewolf thing made them look pretty hot with their shirts off. Which most of them always did, because few of them owned any shirts any more. Me? I just looked like an Indian Twiggy who liked to go around with nappy hair, no shoes, and guys who didn't wear shirts. I'm sure half the town was calling me a whore behind my back. But whatever. I didn't care. And, even if I did, the wonderful six-inches I'd grown in the months surrounding my first phase (in addition to some pretty decent, non-body-builder muscles) were enough to see that no one said it to my phase. Which was good, because I wouldn't have to have the pack beg money from the Cullens for my bail. The sexual tension is killing me.

You're one to talk.

Me? I'm not the one Mr. Ice Pop invited to do his wife.

Can't we stop talking about that?

You're the one who woke me up; you get to be punished however I see fit.

You'd know, O mighty Queen of Pain and Torture.

That's your royal Alpha-ness, Queen of Pain and Torture.

Can't you just settle for Beta like all the other girls?

Others? It was my turn to fake a sob. Oh, Jakey-poo, you've been cheating on me again, haven't you? And after all those times you said I was the only girl for you. I shoved him away, harder this time, and licked the spot where he'd touched me. God. Gross. Alpha cooties.

And yet you're licking-

Oh. Yes. Jacob. I'm secretly in love with you and am licking the spot where you touched me because it's the closest I'll ever get to you. I snorted, then continued dryly, O, please, ravage me you sexy male-beast you.

Mind saying that when Dad's around? I think he's freaked – he seems to think this whole Bella experience is going to turn me off girls or something.

I think he's freaked 'cause you turn into a wolf and can chase your tail.

No, for real Leah, he said seriously, ever since Bella's wedding, he's been trying to set me up with girls from the Rez. I mean like, really set me up, send me out to return fishing equipment to neighbours while only their daughters are home, creepy setting me up.

It took me several minutes to stop laughing.

It's not funny Leah.

No. You're right. It's freaking hilarious.

No its not!

What are you going to do, throw a girly tantrum? Flick your tail at me?

To my surprise, he got serious. Everyone thinks I'm still in love with Bella Swan.

God, I hope not. I'd caught glimpses of her in Jake and Seth's minds. I'd seen zombies with better colouring then her.

But I realized a while back that I'm not. I'm really not. I just didn't want her to die. Which is what friends want for each other, right? Because, no matter what, her choosing Edward means she dies. One way or another.

I looked at him through one tired eye. He'd been practising his dejected wolf look. Whatever Jake. Love her, don't love her, she's still her own person. It's her decision to make if she wants to screw the Abominable Icicle or not.

I know, he said smally, curling up atop the sleeping bag nearby. That still doesn't mean I want to see her kill herself for him.

I know, Jake, I tried to say comfortingly – mostly because I didn't want him to turn out like I had, which is to say a bitter old shrew whose only thing going for him is he'll be the best bloodhound Forks police will ever see. Hmmm... maybe if I'm low on cash one day... I know... I'll tell you what: I was planning as offering myself up as a green card bride to some guy who doesn't speak any English or expect me to cook or clean or anything when this is all over and the leeches move away. But, if you're still alone then too...

Ah, Lee, I didn't know you cared.

I don't. But we can share the tax credit.

You've gotta stop reading those romance novels, Lee.

Fine. Just trying to be helpful. See if I be nice to you again.

He gave me a look that said, "That was you being nice," and drifted quickly off to sleep. Mutant bunnies were invading (I noted as I fell asleep watching his dream through our still-open mental link), and the carrot crosses were failing... Quickly... get the radioactive spinach... that'll scare them away...


Chapter Five.