Spark Notes

Title: Spark Notes
Rating: G
Pairing/Character(s): Bella/Edward, Rose/Emmett, Alice/Jasper, Esme/Carlisle, Nessie/Jake
Word Count: ~1,500
Warnings/Spoilers: Language;
Disclaimer: All characters, situations, quotes et al are properties of their respective owners and I am merely using them under Title 17 of the US Code, § 107, aka the Fair Use Doctrine, without intents to infringe upon or defame anyone's legal rights. It wouldn't be worth the cost to sue me anyway.  
Summery: Twilight, through Aadarshinah's eyes [ie, major mocking.]


Spark Notes
Making Sense of the Twilight Series

In the beginning, there was this girl who moved to a new town – a town that just happened to be full of vampires that, rather than following their natural instincts, did the Puritan-thing and decided not to kill people. Most of these vampires spent their eternities pretending to be of all things high school students, totally wrecking normal people's class rankings due to their unfair advantage of having spent the last century or so learning the same things over and over again and, quite possibly, ruining their classmates' chances at future happiness in the process. Anyway, one of these high school vampires was really tempted by the new girl's blood and, rather than killing her like he really wanted to, fell in love with her instead. And, being possibly insane, the girl thought the whole vampire thing was "cool" rather than vaguely disturbing and certainly dangerous, and decided she wanted to be the vampire's undead lover for the rest of eternity – possibly just to avoid future wrinkles, but most likely because she had Peter Pan syndrome.

So, one day during the vampire and the human girl's courtship, a group of less repressed vampires came along and, thinking it strange other vampires kept a human as a pet, decided in the normal vampire way to kill the human. They failed, the head nomadic vampire being killed and, naturally, quite upsetting his mate, though not before the human girl was bitten. 'Cause all of the Puritan vampires had so many issues and were possibly brain damaged from abstaining from their natural food source for like, ever, they managed to stop the girl from becoming a vampire, so the strange interspecies relationship could continue.

A little while later, when the girl was panicking about growing older, despite the fact that most human females don't quite get as distressed as she did until their mid-thirties, the vampires decided to throw her a birthday party. During this party one of the vampire's tried to kill the girl and the others, coming to their senses, decided it was stupid to be hanging around a human with no sense of self-preservation and ran off. The girl didn't take this very well and went the worst kind of emo until she discovered some of the nearby kids were vampire-hating werewolves and started hanging out with them. With them, she did some really stupid things because every time she did something suicidal, she would go all schizo and start hearing her vampire boyfriend's voice telling her how stupid she was being.

The most stupid thing she did was jump off a cliff into the stormy ocean trying to hear her ex and, through a great misunderstanding precipitated by one of the vampire's being able to see the future and one of the werewolves' parents dropping conveniently dead, the girl's vampire boyfriend thought the girl was dead and decided, in typical Romeo and Juliet form, that if his girl was dead he didn't want to be around either. So he went to Italy to see the vampire big wigs to convince them to kill him, which necessitated the girl having to fly at the drop of a hat halfway around the world after this guy who, admittedly, had abandoned her for dead in the woods without so much as a buy your leave, and keep him from killing himself. The Italian big wigs were rather annoyed by the fact the girl the vampire wanted to kill himself over wasn't a vampire yet and demanded she become one, which the girl happily agreed to, and everyone returned home, the girl and the vampire, presumably, to be happily undead until the sun blinked out or the humans rained nuclear apocalypse down on themselves and left behind nothing, human or animal, for the vampires to eat.

The problem was that the vampire wouldn't turn the girl into a vampire unless she married him first and she wouldn't marry him unless he promised to have sex with her before she became a vampire – an indication of long evident (to everyone else) sadomasochistic tendencies in the human. Eventually, they agreed this is what they would do, and basically spent the rest of her time as human with her dithering between a werewolf who'd fallen in love with her and didn't want her to change everything she was for a vampiric jerk who'd left her and only had fallen in love with her in the first place because he couldn't hear her thoughts and she smelled really good and the vampire who she had classic co-dependant tendencies towards.

But the mate of the nomadic vampire the others had killed to keep them from killing the girl in the first place was still angry and was killing a whole bunch of people to create an undead army to kill the girl and her vampire friends. The werewolves, deciding they hated regular vampires more than repressed ones, decided to help fight the undead army and, together, they won, with all of the bad guys dying and none of the good guys getting so much as a scratch.

So then the human and the vampire finally get married and have the sex the human so badly wants, even if it nearly kills her, and, somehow, manages to get herself knocked up in the process in what counts as the most improbable conception in two thousand odd years. The half-human half-vampire child is considered an abomination by everyone but it's mother and her baby-wanting aunts, and so most everyone tries to kill it before its born. However, the dad eventually can hear the baby's thoughts and the baby forgives him for trying to kill it and tries not to kill its mom in the process. Human wombs naturally being an untenable place for blood-drinking foetuses that grow roughly eleven hundred times faster than normal, the baby manages to kill its mother in the process of being born, but that's okay, 'cause the mom didn't want to be alive anyway and got changed into vampire, though not before giving the girl the worst non-celebrity-baby name ever.

The thing is, adult vampires don't really like baby vampires, mostly because they tend to kill things in such a way that makes it hard for the adults to hide from people with pitchforks and crosses. So the Italian big wigs try to come and destroy the abomination. Luckily, however, the Puritan vampires call all their friends up and explain the situation to them, which they for some reason think is pretty neat, and instead of fighting, they have a big talking showdown punctuated by the great deus ex machina of another half-human half-vampire showing up and saying that it'll all be okay, and the fact that one of the werewolves is in love with the baby isn't creepy at all, 'cause she'll be grown up in less than a decade she'll be all grown up and, presumably, able to pop out half-werewolf quarter-vampire quarter-human children of her own, and they can all be one happy family, never mind the fact the werewolf in question had been Frenching the baby's mom not much more than a month before the baby was born.

So everyone goes off happy, no one dying at all except for the tattling vampire that started the whole mix-up, but that's okay, 'cause no one really liked her to begin with, and, seeing as how the world's not likely to end any time soon, they can live happily ever after. Especially since the human-girl-who-is-now-a-vampire has found a way for her vampire hubby to hear her thoughts, never mind how stupid they are, because they're attached to the superpower she, oddly enough, has that makes her the biggest Mary Sue in published literature. And no one even mocks the stupid name she gave her daughter the whole time.

The End

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