SW_ESB-Leia

Wishing Well

I don't work Fridays. Even so, I work fairly close to a 40 hour week, so you'd think I'd be glad to have an extra day to myself. And not have to explain to people what a USB port is (but that's another story). For the most part, the day went pretty well too. I hung out and watched TV and was just generally okay until about an hour ago.


I dob't know why I suddenly feel so... down isn't even the right word. The closest I've ever gotten to it is this song by Airborne Toxic Event, "...Crawling up the walls / Like a cat in heat / And the air is thin / And it blows through your skin / And you feel like something / Is about to begin / But you don't know what / And you don't know when / So you tear at your hair / And you scratch at your skin..." It's a fairly mild case of it, actually. I'm not actually tearing at my hair or scratching at my skin. But my head feels like its full of ants - of thoughts I can't quite reach, full of all the dark things I want to forget.

My life is pretty good right now. I have a good job. I have a nice apartment. I don't have to worry about school. I don't have to worry about anyone but myself. I have food to eat and TV to watch and things to read... But there are moments when I feel like I'm slowly going mad. That it's more than just depression - that its more than just feeling down all the time, it's actually madness creeping in through the vice of thoughts in my head.

I know its probably an overreaction, but its how things seem right now. I can't concenrate. I can't do anything except stare blankly and try to find words for all the things I'm not quite feeling. Like I've lost all affect. Like there's a thick glass pane between me and the rest of the world and things don't feel quite as real, quite as important after passing through it.

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I don't think it's an overreaction. You feel how you feel, and telling yourself you're overreacting or whatever isn't going to help things, just make you feel worse. At least, that's how it goes in my opinion.

Let me know if I can do anything for you, bb.
I think all I managed to do is give myself a headache. It's probably nothing more than a side effect of the meds I'm on - nausea is a favorite of these type of things. And I did finally get an appointment made, so that's something.

I felt a little crazy last night, but not as much. I think the key is trying not to dwell on it. I hope.
Not dwelling makes sense, though I'm not sure it'll be a cure-all. At least you felt less 'crazy' last night? Maybe you're improving on your own...

I worry about you, bb.
*HUGS* Hope it'll pass soon enough.

Have you ever tried keeping record of these things hitting you? I know I get most my 'don't know what the hell I'm feeling down and restless for' moments before/during my period, and during the darker times of the year.

I know it only adds to the feeling that you can't quite pinpoint what it is or why it's there, but try to not let it bother you, and just accept that sometimes you don't have the answer.

I was also wondering if you're doing anything creative right now? My bf gets these really weird dreams and angsty moments when he's been too long without writing :) It's his brain trying to tell him to do something besides work :)
I've been trying to work on this original story idea for the longest time, but I hate every word I put down, so I've not exactly gotten far. Though I'm fairly certain my lack of words is contributing to it somehow.

I feel really bad around the end of February - but that makes sense, with the weather here. The rest of my bad times are about 1/3 PMS related and 2/3 random other whose patterns Ive not figured out yet. I just hope it really is just work stress and that it'll pass soon.
Yeah, work stress can certainly have an effect. When I was working, it wasn't so much the work itself as it was being around people. I didn't have too much in common with them, so though they were nice, tolerating them five days in a row was really taxing.

And I know who are in your icon! ^_^ I recently asked for recs of shows etc with slashy stuff, and Shadowhunters was among them :) I've also familiarized my self with Teen Wolf, just to get the basics of what Sterek is all about :D
:D I watched the show because I saw pics on tumblr (and its awful, except for the slash bits) and read the books because I enjoy pain, or something.

Either way, if you want a show that actually includes cannon slash, it's worth watching it just for episode 12.
It really is awful, and god did Clary annoy the hell out of me. Watched the whole thing though, just for the slash :) Watched the movie too, but it was pretty blah. Don't think I'll read the books.

But I did enjoy the canon slashiness of the show, as well as the potential in the parabatai bond :) There's a lot of interesting stuff in the world itself that I liked, such a shame the rest ruins it. Not every show can be SGA, but it's still fun taking a peek at what else is out there :)
If you do read the books, do so while drinking liberally. That's the only way I got through it. Though, admittedly, book 3 and 6 were actually fairly decent.

But yeah, the slash is the only reason to stick around - though some of the brother/sister bonding between the Lightwoods is fairly great as well. Everything else is just ridiculous or stupid or both. Sigh. Why can't we have more shows like SGA? Or more SGA?
I don't think you're overreacting. It sounds very much like the disconnect you get with depression--and depression doesn't respect the fact that things might be going well for you at the moment. Depression curls its lip and tells you it's all dust and ashes when it really is better than it has been.

Are you working with a counselor of any sort right now?
No, I had to stop seeing the school counselor because I'm not in school, but I've been trying to get an appointment for one. It's insane, especially since nobody returns their phone calls. Ever.

I get what you mean about the disconnect though. It's familiar that way, but I've also not had it for a while, which makes me think they're going to mess around with my meds the next time I see the doctor. Which isn't so much a big deal as I hate the feeling of going on/off meds. That's true crazy.
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