SW_ESB-Leia

Pondering

It's strange. I'm so used to being broken that I don't know what to do when I'm whole.


Don't get me wrong, I like being whole. (Or approaching whole, anyway. No amount of medicine is going to keep there from being a few bad days.) But my trip to Boston was like something from somebody else's life - so normal and essentially spur-of-the-moment that I really can't connect it back to myself. And even now that my mother has indulged by desire for copies of old photographs, looking at the pictures of me from even a handful of years ago, I can barely recongize that that person is me. That I am that person.

Despite it all, I've had an essentially good life. I mean, there are things I would change, but I'm not homless, or an addict, or entirely prey to my mental illness, or dead. I have a mother at least who cares (my father, if he knows I graduated and/or took a 700+ mile road trip, hasn't mentioned it) and a brother who I get along with more often than not. I wasn't abused as a child, and got a good education, and was indulged in my frankly astounding love of reading (no, really, it's gotten out of hand. I've read over 140 books this year alone, not including fic and rereads). But, even so, I can't identify with the girl in the pictures.

Maybe I've gotten so used to being broken that I've become addicted to it. Even now I still expect something horrible to happen to destroy my grad school dreams, or take back my diploma, or whatnot. I'm... content, with nothing to do this break but read and write at my lesuire, but....

I don't even know anymore. I don't want bad things to happen, but I truely don't know what to do with myself at times like these. Should I be making plans? Should I be considering the future? Should I - god forbid - figure out what I want from life so that I can have expectations that broken? I want to. But I've gotten so good at not thinking about any of it and am so afraid of what will happen if something happens to break me again. I don't know if I can come back from something like that again.

IDK. I'll figure it out. I just had to get it all off my chest.

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"HUGS"

Your way ahead of me hon, everything in my life is crap. You'll find your way.
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