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Halfsies

Today is my half-birthday.


This is only of interest to me because of how much my actual birthday this year sucked. Being stuck in SEPs, being caught in the middle of my short-lived battle to stay in the Navy, being torn at every which way and not even managing to get a few minutes of intolerably slow internet access to say hello to all you guys, who really helped me through that terrible situation.... It hurts even to think about.

It's strange how much a life can change in half-a-year. Six months ago I was being kicked out of the Navy and probably the closest to truly loosing it I've ever been, and today I had four classes and am sitting in little converted garage wondering how long I can hold off buying a heater, and if maybe I should just put a sweatshirt on. I'm studying for a MAJOR physics test that I have tomorrow, which amounts to roughly 1/5 of my grade if I'm reading the rubric correctly, and I got back last weeks Calc test (A-) and had to tell my boss I couldn't work the 2.5 hours she tried to call me in for because of school and stuff.

I've not talked to anyone from SEPs in ages. As close as we all were, I think its just to painful for many of us to revisit - that, and outside of SEPs we really have nothing in common. I've blocked most their feeds on my fb mostly because I got tired of being annoyed by them. As far as I can tell, though, everyone I know who made it through Basic is okay though. None were at the Naval Yard the other day, best as I can tell. Which is always good.

It's so strange. I had intended to do something small for myself for today - a pie or something - but when time came down to it, I just forgot, and its only now looking at the date I remember.

Last night I had an attack of the doldrums. I don't know if the two are related. All I know is I was trying to write and was overcome with the futility of everything that I had to just lay down on my couch in the dark, wrapped in as many blankets were on hand, head under the covers, and listen to really dreary post-rock until I gained the will to live again. I've been getting attacks like this once a month or so for a while now - they usually never last long, just an hour or so - but I want to call them my stuffed animal phases - that is to say, they sort of remind me of how when you're a child and so scared of the world sometimes the only thing that can comfort you is your stuffed animal. S/he is a true friend, a your only port in the storm that rages around you, and maybe if you just cling tight enough to him/her, you can weather it too.

I don't know what's causing them. My life is going well, more or less. Work's cutting back the hours a bit, but that was expected with the tourists going home, and I'm lucky my job's not only seasonal as I feared it might be at the beginning. School's picking up. Everything is going well, and yet...

Times may change. Lives may change. But inside people don't really change do they? I'm still that selfsame person who was on the verge of true crazy six months ago. I'm still the person who made all the mistakes that led me to this point; I'd still make those selfsame mistakes if I didn't have the benefit of hindsight to guide me now. Nothing about me has changed. So what's to keep it all from happening again? What's to stop me from telling you guys six months from now about the latest stupid mistake I've made, the latest way my life has fallen apart?

There are no ports, only storms.

This has gotten rather more melancholy than I'd intended. But the one think I've discovered is that truth has a tendency to out online. Convention disappears. The things from the heart pour free.

I wonder what that says, that so much of what I post here has a tragic, sad overtone, a bit like reading The Virgin Suicides or something about one of Henry VIII's queens. We all know how it's going to end, and even the happiness becomes colored with tragedy. It can't say anything good.
  • 16 comments
Well done on last weeks test A- is an excellent grade.

OK so now what do l need to do to knock you out of these doldrums?

If l could l would come over there and Gibbs slap you, shake you, them probably go buy a gallon if your favourite ice cream then force you to watch SGA or something else we both like.
:D that might work. The Doldrums just happen sometimes though. I even tried watching IM3 to shake me out of it, but I just couldn't get into it. It's just one of those days, I guess.
Consider your head Gibbs slapped just like he does to Tony and how John does to Rodney. Now whats your favourite ice cream?

Would watching Skyfall help?
I've never seen Skyfall, actually. Or any James Bond movie.

My absolute favourite is this Ben and Jerry's I've only seen a handful of times called birthday cake. But for moods like this I prefer Cherry Garcia. Because I have ice cream moods.

I'm trying to shake out of it, I really am, it just hit me hard yesterday and I brought it back up talking about it, I guess.
Oh lovely Ben and Jerrys. I dont mind cherry garcia my fav is the Vermonty or whatever its called now but its the maple flavoured one with nuts
You can rarely go wrong with Ben and Jerry's. I've never seen a maple flavoured one, though.
There are many flavours they do l dont see and some of your flavours we dont get at all but yep you cant go wrong

Theres one supermarket here that have their own ice cream range thats one if the best lve tasted. One flavour is Columbian coffee another is Thai lime and coconut and both are amazing
Oh wow. There's this one brand of Italian style gelato that my store caries that's amazing, particularly it's chocolate raspberry, but it's so expensive I can only afford it when it's on sale. but it's the absolute best.
I always buy a tub of the coffee or lime coconut when l go to the cinema its much better than the cinema stuff

You know if l cant go shooting photos because of my eye l could go and watch a movie as l can still see a screen and enjoy some coffee ice cream
you can get ice cream in your theaters? That's not something I've seen stateside, but that could just be the area when i live. There's another branch of my grocery store near the movie theater here, so I usually duck inside and buy some candy I can sneak in whenever I go to the movies. But I think people might notice if I brought in ice cream....
They don't here either, not that I've ever seen, but then again I've only ever smuggled in stuff that can fit in a pocket or my purse. I think anything obviously filled with snacks they'd make a point of confiscating. Or whatever they do with it.
(nod)

I'd a huge bag-of-holding like that, but then i got stuck holding everyone else's junk, so now I have this tiny one that verges on too small, but works.
:D

thanks bb. sometimes I swear that's all that gets me through today. Today was really bad too.
  • 16 comments