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You Know What This Is

So I'm sitting in my room crying right now because I just went inside the house to ask Mom something while Dad was out and we got into a discussion of all the awful things dad does/says sometimes. Like apparently he's been blaming me for things that go wrong/happen around the house sometimes - things mom knows I can't be responsible for - and making snide comments about my weight and my general worthlessness.

And it's like, okay, I get that he has problems, and I get that I've resolved not to care about what he does/says to me, but it's still awful. I shouldn't hate him this much when, realistically, he's not done anything hate-worthy. But both of us creep around him, hiding out in our rooms/offices for much the time when he's at home, and just not saying anything to him to prevent a fight. And I just can't afford to move out, but it's like... even mom's noticed that he doesn't even look at me when I enter a room anymore. Except when I'm trying to eat or cook, at which point he glares at me. I swear, it's enough to drive someone up the wall.

I don't want to cry about it. But I can't help it. I just get so angry and I cry and I can't stop and all I want is a door that locks and maybe the chance to say half of what's on my mind to him without fear of him kicking me out or saying something so unforgivable I'll...

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I'm sorry, but that kind of behaviour from a father is definitely hate-worthy. It's disgusting of him, and shouldn't be a reflection on you. And your mother is falling down on the job because she just lets him do this. I wish I could give him a piece of my mind...then he'd be the one crying.

You are not worthless. That's all there is to it. ::hug::
I am so sorry you have to live through this situation. Your father obviously has a mile-wide misogynistic streak and your mother is incapable of dealing with it. The way he is treating you is emotionally abusive. You have no choice but to stay and deal with it because of your circumstances.

So my advice: pretend you are a prisoner of war. Stop trying to seek or win his approval. It will never happen. Also stop deliberately doing things that will anger him. This is about survival--so hunker down and survive.

Write. You are generating the best fodder ever for story material. Write out your pain and hurt and heal yourself with words. Save your money for your future for the day when you can get out. It may take years, but it will happen. Remember always this is NOT about you. Do not internalize his hate for women as being specific toward you. By virtue of the fact you have an x chromosome, you came in for his contempt. I have found it easier to deal with my mother's issues by reminding myself she is not rational. YOUR FATHER IS NOT RATIONAL. Remember that.

Keep your head down low and do what you need to do to get your degree and get out. If you can put up with the abuse, it is your best ticket for a future without him. If you stay in school, you may qualify for free counseling. If you can tough it out, then you will get your degree and be free of him. But explore all your options. See if you qualify for financial aid of any sort.

The next few years are going to suck big time, but there IS an end in sight. Do what you need to do to get through them. I do understand why you feel the need to express yourself through tattoos, but that money could be better spent on securing your future. Vent on LJ. Vent to a counselor. But if you are going to let him support you then you have to accept the terms of the cage. Just remember the key is always in your hand.

That's just it. I KNOW he's not misogyistic. Occasionally racist and homophobic, yes, but not that. It's not that we're women, it's that, in his mind, we're less important than he is. The fact that we're women is only incidiental.

It's not even that I want his approval. I just want something other than his abject disapproval. Indifference would be better. Or for the disapproval to be direct, rather than secreted away in small, stupid ways. Hell, I just want to be able to walk into a room and not have to hold my tongue because I can never be sure what his response will be.

I try to write. I try to stay out of his way. But when he judges me for everything from the food I eat to the hours I work to where I work to how I pet the cats, it's just too much. There is something WRONG with him, be it PTSD or brain trauma or something. The rules are always changing, shifting, and just when I think I've figured them out, the rug gets shifted again, and its riddiculous.
Well, I could argue that I've never met anyone who was racist and homophobic who wasn't also misogynistic, but then I've never met your father. I'm going on the comments you've left here (which by the way, you may want to consider locking this post as *anyone* can see it if they know how to look your name up). You've spoken of the fact that your father kicked you out of your room to give it to your brother when he came home and that your dad tells the cats to 'kill the girl.'

Whether or not he is misogynistic, however, is immaterial. What is important is this: do you feel safe? If the answer, deep down in your heart, is no, then you need to get out.

The problem with choosing to live in the golden cage is that you have to accept the conditions that come with the cage. If, however, those conditions seriously threaten your life, then living on the street is preferable to living in fear in the cage. And the thing about golden cages is that you really *do* have the choice. It may be a terrible choice, and so one-sided that you feel you have no option but to stay, but the reality of it is that this is the premise on which golden cages work.

If you do not feel that you are in any physical danger from your father, then you need to consider whether or not the emotional trauma is worth it. I know a woman who stayed with an abusive husband because he was paying her way through school. She served him divorce papers him the day she graduated, but I would have rather graduated $80 K in debt than to bear the emotional debt she still carries today. Only you can tell what load you are strong enough to carry--the price of the rent you choose to pay.

If you choose to stay, the key is in your statement that something is wrong with your father. Yes, that is obvious. What you must not do is take this to mean that there is anything wrong or unworthy about yourself to attract his disapproval. You are merely a convenient target--and unfortunately, his life experiences have taught him that picking on someone and tormenting them is *normal* behavior. Your gender simply makes you a natural target for him, but I suspect if he had all boys, he'd pick on the bookish, nerdy one. He simply has to have a target in order to feel better about himself.

I wish I could offer you something more concrete than words--a place to stay, a way out of your situation. All I can say is that things will probably get a little better once classes start and everyone has busier schedules. Spend as much time as you can at work and school.

He also, upon occasion, tells the cat to "kill the boy". And it hasn't always been this way - up until my freshmen year of college, I was the golden child. He still didn't value my interests, but he never derided them before I started getting migraines and etc...

I think the key factor in his personality is that he values merit. Since I graduated HS, nothing I've done is merit-worthy in his book. My brother gets it just as bad, in other ways. Dad just wants his army and none of us make fit soliders.

I don't think I'm in any physical danger. The emotional however... I just need a year to save up the money. What happens after that year I've not decided yet, but I've no option other than living in my car at this point in time, and the winters here are cold. I think when school starts up again, things will calm down until finals. I hope. I think. Just being able to rant online like this helps innumerably, so hopefully I'll come out of this without too many scars.
Well, that sounds doable. A year will pass quicker than you think it will. Save your money, make a plan, and get out when you can. *hugs*
You are a fantastic person. Intelligent, fun, friendly - I'm grateful I know you and honored you consider me a friend. I'm sorry your dad is being such an asshole. I wish I could tell him what I think!
Does he drink? I ask because he sounds like my alcoholic father when we were growing up.

If it's not that (cause there's no reasoning with a drunk. You just have to deal with them.) maybe you should try having a direct conversation with him. Something along the lines of, "Hey, so, I'm living here, and I'm confused by your treatment of me. What is causing your anger?" You do have to stay calm, and that can be hard. But, if you're able to be the "adult" in the situation and not yell, not cry, not antagonize, and just see if he can give you some insight into what the hell is his problem, it might make a bit of a difference.

If you don't want to talk to him, maybe write him a letter, and end with: "Your my father, and I love you. It hurts me to feel like you don't love me. Is there another way we can do this?"
he doesn't drink - I mean, he does, but it's not the source of our arguments. That's usually a well-after-the-event sort of thing, the drinking. You just can't talk with him, and he'd never read a letter, and it's just riddiculous because I think the source of the problem is that he just doesn't care and won't be happy until I leave, which he knows I cannot do yet. So... yeah.
*hugs you so tight*

Damn I wish there was more than words that I could offer you.

Hang in there, I'm sure the time will come when you can move out and leave all that shit behind. And you know there are so many people here who care about you, you are loved by us, you are part of our team, our family, always.
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