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Frak My Life

I'm in the middle of an emotional breakdown again.

Surprise surprise, I know.


But, god, I just can't see anything positive at the moment. I'm now sleeping on a mattress in my parents' 1car garage - because my brother gets the bedroom when he gets back from Costa Rica today, because he's "doing what he's supposed to be doing," whatever the fuck that means. Well, not now, because the 1car garage is also mom's gym and she's using it at the moment. So I'm actually sitting in the living room, hoping that my dad and brother don't get home from the airport for a while yet because I want some time to myself and I've been unable to manage that since I came home from work last night (after running stupid, long, errands for dad) to find that my then-bedroom was a disaster area after dad fell through the ceiling after being attacked by wasps while trying to place a tv antenna in the attic. Apparently it was a spectular disaster, but I missed the fall and only had to deal with the clean up (all by myself, because dad abdicated cleanup responsibility).

I started trying to clear the land for the eventual trailer I'll move into, but the land is like five times as much as I actually need to clean up and I'm pretty sure dad is both using me for slave labour and trying to milk as much rent money out of me as he can by refusing to let me put a trailer on the land until it's picked up to HIS satisfaction. I mean, I get picking up the dead logs. I get cutting down the dead tries. I don't get picking up every tiny little stick and tree bark on what has to be an acre of land, but what am I supposed to do? It's his land and I've done the math: I can't afford to move into an apartment. i just can't. But I fear that even when I'm finally out of the house, dad will still have me running stupid errands and doing stupid chores and, for the life of me, I don't know why I have to do all of it when my brother's coming home today and isn't going to be expected to do ANY chores at all. I get that he's managed not to fuck up his life yet, but still, that's no reason to take it all out on me.

I didn't ask to be seperated from the navy. I tried to fight it, for what good it did. I didn't ask for the migraines. I wouldn't have spent through my savings if I hadn't had thought I'd be in the navy at this point, and wouldn't have needed to if dad hadn't convinced me to 1) quit Food Lion early to prepare for the navy, 2) not made me pay for through the nose for the "privilege" of living in his house, 3) had actually given me advice that DOESN'T screw me over every time. If anyone's at fault here, it's HIM, and he needs to stop taking it out on me.

I know I'll have school in the fall. I know I'll eventually have the land cleaned up. I know I have a job now. But by all that is holy, it's so hard to see the upside of anything right now. I just keep thinking this is all going to fall apart like everything else in my life. I'm so sick of always failing at everything I try, and the usual tricks aren't working - I'm trying to look forward to the McShep Match postings, to SPN S9 in the fall, to school, to the next Marvel movie, to ANYTHING, but it's so hard.

But I can't admit to being anything less than thrilled with my life, because Mom's already got enough on her plate to deal with, and I can't even think of allowing myself to be depressed because my sister's mental illness almost destroyed this family, and I'm really starting to worry I'm one of those kids who just makes excuses for their parents because the more I tell people about this sh*t the more people look at me like I AM being abused.

And then yesterday at work a customer at work overheard me mentioning to a coworker I'd been in the navy and came over, shook my hand, and thanked me for my service. As if 45 days in boot camp is service, though I didn't have the heart to tell him. He'd told me about serving on a Marine transport in Viet Nam and I just muttered a lie about shore duty to keep from having to tell the truth.

The only thing I'm good at, or enjoy, is writing, but the next instalment of the AJ 'verse is giving me fits, after the first half flowed so easily. And I've even a decent plot scripted out for my McShep Match fic. But you can't make a living off writing unless you're very, very lucky. And I can't devote my life to trying to write a decent Original novel because bills have to be paid. So I just do it as I can, to enjoy myself, but dad just mocks me for doing it - or anything that isn't working - and tells me to get a second job if I want to move out so badly.

I hate my life. I know I've no right to, that things could be so much worse, but I do. I hate it. I just want to live my own life, instead of being forced to compromise for work or my parents or whatever the hell else. And that shouldn't be such an issue, but it is, and I'm really worried that I'm going to let myself do something stupid before long, because I can't take it anymore.  I just can't.
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  • 16 comments
Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you but you are in my thoughts.

I am seething with rage at the way your father is treating you. He seems to be using you as a whipping boy. He also seems to be enjoying the power he holds over you. According to him, you have already failed at life, so now the gloves are off??

Stay strong and stay calm. It's going to be hard.
Me, too. I really want to do something horrible to him right now. There is no excuse for him acting like such a shithead. He needs to get over his inferiority complex and compensation issues, because that's what this is.

::hugs::
This stuff is just so...petty, though. That's what gets me. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, so I really hope it works out that you can leave soon. Just try not to give in to him and keep yourself afloat, bb.
it really is. I spent like an hour complaing to mom about it, and then we had dinner and he came back in the middle of it and complained about how I'd cleaned the grill - while we were still eating - and talked over the show we were watching and just generally was a jerk. Also, he apparently made desparaging comments about my weight yesterday after he fell out of the attic into my closet, while I wasn't home. ::snorts:: Like I was going to continue with the starvation diet.
Sounds like he's the kind of person who only think's he's important and you can only impress if you're a boy. Ugh. Good think you don't give a fuck about his opinion, though. I don't get why your mom puts up with this kind of behaviour from him, though; I wouldn't let my cat behave like this, let alone my husband.
i don't think it's because my brother's a boy. I think it's just because he's managed to be sucessful at the things he's tried. but i get your point. I've only ever done all he's asked, and yet...
Thanks bb. I try... but sometimes it all just boils over and nothing you can do can stop it from consuming you.
Theres a little something in the post to cheer you up

All l can say lovey is dont give up dont do anything silly keep calm dont loose your temper and hang in there. Look forward to uni and all you can do then
This is one of those situations where I'm happy I don't live near you; I would totally go visit and tell your father exactly what an ass he is - but that might have bad consequences for you. I wish I could do more than send you virtual hugs and listen to you let it all out :(

Have you thought about trying to rent an apartment with a roommate?
i don't do well with roommates. My last one though me on migraine meds was me trying to kill myself, so I think it's best to avoid that problem in the future.

I for one am sorry you don't live near me. Even if you yelling at my dad probably would cause a lot of problems, it would be nice to meet you in RL.
Ah. Well maybe if you found the right person to roommate with?

I would love to meet you IRL :) I wish travel was cheaper than it is. Or that I was richer.
  • 16 comments